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Posted by on Apr 4, 2013 in Generational | 4 comments

Can I be Honest AND Honoring?

Can I be Honest AND Honoring?

CanIbeHonestDoes honor require us to stuff our feelings down and never communicate how we really feel? Or is it possible to have healthy communication that allows us to express feelings and keep an honoring posture?

Not long ago I met with a young adult at our church to discuss an email he had sent to our Lead Pastor. I wanted to help him see how the tone of his email was hurtful and dishonoring. He explained to me that he believed the most honoring thing he could do was to share his feelings in a straightforward manner, in the same way he would to a peer or friend. In his mind, he would do a disservice to the Pastor by toning down his harsh rhetoric.

This young man was missing the point. By sharing his feelings in “the same way he would to a peer or friend,” he demonstrated that he placed no special value on the relationship with his pastor. Honor is not about catering to the emotional needs of others, but rather making an effort in every communication to value, respect and give weight to their position. When you value someone, you communicate with them as if they are special. It’s okay to give them the special treatment. Actually, that’s the point!

I believe you can be honest and forthright about your feelings and emotions and still keep a posture that honors. It will take special care, thought, and a greater time commitment, but your willingness to do that will go a long way in communicating honor to your parents, bosses, and spiritual leaders.

Tips for Being Honest AND Honoring: (Click to Tweet)

  • Set aside adequate time for communication.
  • Be willing to invest emotional energy.
  • Calm down. Deal with your anger and offense first.
  • Don’t make negative assumptions about motives.
  • Communicate respectfully.
  • Ask Questions. Seek to Understand before being Understood.
  • Communicate how their actions make you feel, not how they need to change.
  • Consider that it may not be your place/role to give critical feedback.
  • Make it clear how much you value them.

How about you? What tips can you share for communicating honestly with honor?

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Posted by on Nov 9, 2012 in Communication | 6 comments

Love is Overrated

Love is Overrated

First off, I’m a hopeless romantic, so put down the stones and let me explain myself!

I haven’t been single for over a decade, so feel free to dismiss my opinions, but I don’t think the problem in the dating world is a lack of qualified suitors.  In fact, the problem is too many options!  Not too many decades ago, it was very unlikely that you were going to meet someone who would come in from a distant land and sweep you off your feet.  Pickins’ were slim.  Look around you…what you see…those are your options!

Contrast that with today.  Mr. or Miss Wonderful may just stumble into your world at any minute.  The possibilities are endless.  You can even go online and build the perfect suitor profile and bring them to you!  With so many potential options, it’s hard to commit.  You know the people around you aren’t perfect, so why settle? …especially when someone better may show up any day.

So how do you navigate the new world?  How do you avoid ending up with the wrong person but also make sure that fear of commitment won’t keep you single forever?

Here are some ideas to help:

1.) Narrow your options: Believe it or not, who you marry is not the only important choice in your life.  You can narrow your options simply by deciding what else is important to you.  For me, faith in Jesus and resolve to help build His church are primary values for my life.  Eileen (my wife) stood out to me as someone who shared those values from the very beginning of our relationship.  Without that, it would have been a non-starter.  What values are important to you?  Can that help narrow your options?

2.) Forget perfection: You’re not perfect.  No one else is either.  Besides, the real awesomeness of relationships is that they force us to deal with our imperfections.  Don’t look for someone who is perfect.  Look for someone who is willing to grow.  If you’ll be willing as well, together you can help each other become so much more than either of you could be on your own.

3.) Love is overrated: OK, here it is.  I think the “in love” feeling is hype.  The truth is that feelings come and go.  There are days you’re gonna be so passionately love-struck that you can’t separate from each other.  Other days you’ll hope they don’t even call because you can’t bear the thought of talking to them.  To make long-term decisions on feelings, no matter how deep, is to build your future on a very shaky foundation.

True love is born of commitment, not feelings.  Jesus said that there is no greater love than this, that a man lay down his life.  True love is the result of someone committing to lay down their individual life (desires, plans, feelings) for another person.  That’s why two people in an arranged marriage can find love.  Love came out of their commitment, not the other way around.  So don’t freak out if you don’t feel enraptured with passion every second of every day.  True love is much bigger than that.

4.) Try Someone On.  I used to believe in a strict dating guideline, that you shouldn’t date unless you felt the relationship was headed toward marriage.  Now, though, it seems like that puts too much pressure on relationships in the early stages.  I think the goal should be to learn as much as possible about someone’s values, strengths, weaknesses and willingness to grow with as little wounding as possible.  Perhaps my next post will be how to avoid wounds in dating relationships.  For more direction on “trying someone on”, though, see my previous post: Not Married – Just Sleeping Together.

What about you?  What ideas do you have about navigating today’s dating world?

 

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