Pages Menu
TwitterFacebook
Categories Menu

Posted by on Nov 9, 2012 in Communication | 6 comments

Love is Overrated

Love is Overrated

First off, I’m a hopeless romantic, so put down the stones and let me explain myself!

I haven’t been single for over a decade, so feel free to dismiss my opinions, but I don’t think the problem in the dating world is a lack of qualified suitors.  In fact, the problem is too many options!  Not too many decades ago, it was very unlikely that you were going to meet someone who would come in from a distant land and sweep you off your feet.  Pickins’ were slim.  Look around you…what you see…those are your options!

Contrast that with today.  Mr. or Miss Wonderful may just stumble into your world at any minute.  The possibilities are endless.  You can even go online and build the perfect suitor profile and bring them to you!  With so many potential options, it’s hard to commit.  You know the people around you aren’t perfect, so why settle? …especially when someone better may show up any day.

So how do you navigate the new world?  How do you avoid ending up with the wrong person but also make sure that fear of commitment won’t keep you single forever?

Here are some ideas to help:

1.) Narrow your options: Believe it or not, who you marry is not the only important choice in your life.  You can narrow your options simply by deciding what else is important to you.  For me, faith in Jesus and resolve to help build His church are primary values for my life.  Eileen (my wife) stood out to me as someone who shared those values from the very beginning of our relationship.  Without that, it would have been a non-starter.  What values are important to you?  Can that help narrow your options?

2.) Forget perfection: You’re not perfect.  No one else is either.  Besides, the real awesomeness of relationships is that they force us to deal with our imperfections.  Don’t look for someone who is perfect.  Look for someone who is willing to grow.  If you’ll be willing as well, together you can help each other become so much more than either of you could be on your own.

3.) Love is overrated: OK, here it is.  I think the “in love” feeling is hype.  The truth is that feelings come and go.  There are days you’re gonna be so passionately love-struck that you can’t separate from each other.  Other days you’ll hope they don’t even call because you can’t bear the thought of talking to them.  To make long-term decisions on feelings, no matter how deep, is to build your future on a very shaky foundation.

True love is born of commitment, not feelings.  Jesus said that there is no greater love than this, that a man lay down his life.  True love is the result of someone committing to lay down their individual life (desires, plans, feelings) for another person.  That’s why two people in an arranged marriage can find love.  Love came out of their commitment, not the other way around.  So don’t freak out if you don’t feel enraptured with passion every second of every day.  True love is much bigger than that.

4.) Try Someone On.  I used to believe in a strict dating guideline, that you shouldn’t date unless you felt the relationship was headed toward marriage.  Now, though, it seems like that puts too much pressure on relationships in the early stages.  I think the goal should be to learn as much as possible about someone’s values, strengths, weaknesses and willingness to grow with as little wounding as possible.  Perhaps my next post will be how to avoid wounds in dating relationships.  For more direction on “trying someone on”, though, see my previous post: Not Married – Just Sleeping Together.

What about you?  What ideas do you have about navigating today’s dating world?

 

Read More

Posted by on Nov 2, 2012 in Inspirational | 5 comments

Not Married…Just Sleeping Together

Not Married…Just Sleeping Together

I’m confronted with the idea quite a bit:  “How will I know if my future spouse and I click in the bedroom unless we try it out, first?”  It seems logical enough of a question.  But that’s only because the question itself is framed in a cultural myth…that the honeymoon is the culmination of a couple’s sexual relationship.  Let me offer a different perspective.

What if the honeymoon was only the beginning of a sexual relationship that gets sweeter and sweeter your whole life?  How much experience would you need to get started?  The answer: absolutely none.  The truth is that God designed us to crave our first and most frequent sexual experiences.  If you want to be enraptured with sexual desire and passion for your spouse, wait until you have a spouse and start your sexual experiences together.  In the meantime, if you want to “try-on” your potential spouse, consider these areas:

4 Ways to “Try-On” a Potential Spouse

1.) Ride out multiple seasons together: Everyone looks great when they’re on top of the world.  But life throws different seasons at us.  Some of those seasons are difficult.  How does your significant other hold up under the pressure of the hard seasons?  If possible, don’t rush into marriage before allowing time to observe their character in the ups and the downs.

2.) Get Spiritual: I’m amazed at how many couples don’t even bring up spiritual questions while dating.  Can you imagine if the first time this comes up is deciding whether you’ll raise your child in church? Figure this stuff out before marriage.  Ask the tough questions.  Dig into yourself, too.  What is your level of devotion going to be to God and His House the rest of your life?  Are you attaching yourself to someone who will go there with you?

3.) Embrace Conflict: Most of us want our serious relationships to work-out.  And by “work-out” I mean to end in marriage.  As a result, it’s easy to avoid conflict while dating.  We cover up issues and try to make our relationship look perfect.  We save the good fights until we’ve already gotten hitched.  Why not jump into conflict before marriage?  How do you handle it?  How does he/she handle it?  A good conflict will tell you so much more than a dozen perfect dates.

4.) Talk about money:  Money issues are a leading cause of divorce.  But I rarely hear dating people talk openly about their financial convictions and habits.  Bring it up!  Observe earning, saving and spending patterns.  Ask about debt.  Then, refer to #3.  It’s better to have these discussions upfront.

If you want to “try on” a potential spouse, I recommend these four areas.  Leave the sex for the honeymoon!  What areas are you exploring (or wish you had explored) in your potential spouse?

Read More